How Do I Learn About Myself?

I call it learning about myself, but often, isn’t my main motivation to better cope and manage my problems? In the outer technical world, this form of learning poses no problem; but in learning about our foggy, unresolved, inner conflict; is our learning going deep enough?

Faced with a problem in my life, I may instinctively look to others or I might look to experts in the field; gurus, teachers, psychologists, YouTube videos, Google and of course AI nowadays.

My mind might automatically search for the cause or the resolution of a problem. When I have apparently understood the cause, I feel I can now control the effect. But hang on, isn’t the real cause buried deep in my psychological make up? Am I the cause itself, yet perhaps not fully aware of it?

In fact, am I part of the problem?

As I watch myself carefully, do I face my problems head on, or am I often bound to move away from them? Or, do I feel a sense of self pity not knowing what to do and resort to blaming others or outside circumstance? Is there a subconscious impulse in me to avoid and move towards a comfortable solution to the problem, regardless of its inadequacy. A half solved issue is often a larger one waiting down the road…

In fact a problem might actually be created by the inadequacy of my meeting of it. It feels as though I need to solve the problem when the problem itself might be holding a mirror to what is unresolved within me. Is a problem merely life itself, exposing inner limitation? Do problems that seem to be “out there”, give an opportunity “in here” to face my ignorance? Ignorance created, not from lack of knowledge, but from the belief that what I know, should dominate and control what “is”.

Our minds might be perpetually limited by conclusions, assumptions and drives that have shaped an entire approach to life. Are we in a healthy open relationship with living; or do we strive to separate ourselves from it, control it, and always feel we need to know better? Our real problems are perhaps not outward adversity, but our own attachment to resolution. Understanding all this, how do I now approach a problem?  

What I appear to “see” or “feel”  is already formed by what I have always seen or felt. Perception usually makes a conclusion about what is “present” yet is actually informed by past experience or knowledge. What appears as the present is really the past. An assumption of actuality is formed out of what is “presenting” itself as reality. Perception behaves as the present and feels real in the experiencing of life. Is perception perhaps only a “re-presentation” of reality: the repetition of the minds eye, not a new perception. What we think, see, feel and experience might be reproducing reality from memory, not discovering it in the immediacy of actuality.  

I do not actually realise what I am seeing until I engage in directly looking at it. We are not educated to question our experiencing of life, but can we nevertheless? We expect to know what to do; yet what happens if I consciously deny my expectations? What takes place when I explore what is actually taking place – with a problem for example – without that sense of experience or needing to know how? Can a problem be allowed to ‘burn’ inwardly, in a quiet existential crisis of not knowing what to do? Increased energy and innate collaboration have often been observed as natural human tendencies in crisis. Similarly here, is there a waking up to the raw problem as it is, with no solution but its utter unresolved presence? Does this gather energy? Can one remain here, in the immediacy of no avoidance?

“Knowing” in advance assumes protection from the insecurity of not knowing. Without the relief of conditioned thinking taking over and escaping the crisis; the uneasiness of the problem may grow. What has previously been avoided might now literally loom and intensify inwardly. There may come a sense of panic being alone with the apparent disorder of the unresolved; a living confusion of not knowing what to do and standing alone in a fire of what actually is.

But doesn’t the unresolved carry a message of what actually needs to be resolved? Not only in myself but in everybody? Can this “message” be faced or do we find the actuality of this condition almost impossible to bear? One may notice the old urge to escape returns, or a burning impatience for solace may increase…

I go deeper in this inquiry: I am now exposed to the actual condition – such as guilt or any other suffering – as it reveals itself. The condition of myself and my desire to defend myself against problems, is now activating as I am observing. I ask: what wants solace or release from apprehension? Is it fear of no longer knowing how to face existence but yet needing to stay safe?

Is there a deeper protection fighting to maintain its continuity? Is there a strong sense of “me” to whom all this is happening? Does this appear to me as my problem, my confusion, my apprehension? Watching myself carefuly, I see there are two elements present in the mind: the “me” on the one hand and the psychological disturbance on the other. Is thinking conjuring a separation between myself and this inner conflict; a felt sensation of unrest?

Looking at this in another way: without involving a sense of self that needs to be protected, there is simply the presence of a disturbance with nothing moving away from it. I realise that without this sense of a separate (and separating) “me” – there is no innate conflict towards whatever condition the mind is in. What was once felt as “disturbing” is now a totality of disturbance occurring. With no “me” resisting the occurrence. Could we call this a sensation with no boundaries, fully activated; with full energy freely revealing of its own content?

Learning itself might be a process of energised revelation, that is totally new from moment to moment: an innate movement of self discovery. This is surely very different from the learning that we, all of us, everywhere, have been schooled in. Very different from the spiritual ideas and truths we like to associate ourselves with, that make us feel safe. Traditional learning in this inner field, creates competition, authority, submission and never ending conflict. Something this new learning might possibly even dispel.

To see whether any of this is true, I can only find out for myself.

“And this cannot be taught by another, it comes through your observation of yourself, watching all the time. You know, it’s great fun if you don’t condemn or justify but watch ‘what is’…. just watch it, in yourself and outside of yourself. Such a mind that watches it becomes extraordinarily sensitive, alive, because it is not breeding conflict.”

J. Krishnamurti