How Do I Learn About Myself?

I call it learning about myself, but often, isn’t my main motivation to better cope and manage my problems? In the outer technical world, this form of learning poses no problem; but in learning about our foggy, unresolved, inner conflict; is our learning going deep enough?

Faced with a problem in my life, I may instinctively look to others or I might look to experts in the field; gurus, teachers, psychologists, YouTube videos, Google and of course AI nowadays.

My mind might automatically search for the cause or the resolution of a problem. When I have apparently understood the cause, I feel I can now control the effect. But hang on, isn’t the real cause buried deep in my psychological make up? Am I the cause itself, yet perhaps not fully aware of it?

In fact, am I part of the problem?

As I watch myself carefully, do I face my problems head on, or am I often bound to move away from them? Or, do I feel a sense of self pity not knowing what to do and resort to blaming others or outside circumstance? Is there a subconscious impulse in me to avoid and move towards a comfortable solution to the problem, regardless of its inadequacy. A half solved issue is often a larger one waiting down the road…

In fact a problem might actually be created by the inadequacy of my meeting it. It feels as though I need to solve the problem when the problem itself might be holding a mirror to what is unresolved within me. Is a problem merely life itself, exposing inner limitation? Do problems that seem to be “out there”, give an opportunity “in here” to face my ignorance? Ignorance created, not from lack of knowledge, but from the belief that what I know, should dominate and control “what is”.

Our minds might be perpetually limited by conclusions, assumptions and drives that have shaped an entire approach to life. Are we in a healthy open relationship with living; or do we strive to separate ourselves from it, control it, and always feel we know better? Our real problems are perhaps not outward adversity, but our own attachment to resolution. Understanding all this, how do I now approach a problem?  

What I appear to “see” is already formed by what I have always seen. I realise that I do not actually know what I am seeing, until I engage in directly looking at it. When perception has not made a conclusion about what is present, does it naturally open to find out? Has attention now woken up a little to meet what is as yet unknown? Has this attention been created by me, or is it a natural phenomenon? Before the problem just needed solving and the mind had implicitly concluded it already  knew how; now the mind needs to be alert and attentive to find out what is directly taking place.

“Knowing” in advance assumes protection from the insecurity of not knowing what to do. Now we are questioning our conditioned relationship to our problems. Can the problem be allowed to ‘burn’ inwardly, in a quiet existential crisis of not knowing? Increased energy and innate collaboration have often been observed as natural human tendencies in crisis. Is there a waking up to the raw problem as it is, with no solution but its utter unresolved presence? Can one remain here, in the immediacy of no avoidance?

Without the relief of indirect, prerecorded, conditioned thinking taking over and escaping the crisis; the uneasiness of the problem may grow. What has previously been avoided might now literally loom inwardly. There may come a sense of panic being alone with the apparent disorder of the unresolved; a living confusion of not knowing what to do and standing alone in a fire of what is.  Can this be faced or do we find the actuality of this condition almost impossible to bear? One may notice the old urge to escape returns or a burning impatience for solace may increase…

I go deeper in this inquiry that is now exposed to its actual condition as it reveals itself. The condition of ourselves and its desire to defend itself against problems, is now activating as it is being observed. I ask: what wants solace or release from apprehension? The fear of no longer knowing how to face existence but needing to directly discover it.

Is there a deeper protection fighting to maintain its continuity? Is there a strong sense of “me” to whom all this is happening? Does this appear to me as my problem, my confusion, my apprehension? Watching myself carefuly, I see there are two elements present in the mind: the “me” and the psychological disturbance. Is thinking conjuring a separation between myself and this inner conflict; a felt sensation of unrest?

Without a sense of self needing to be protected, can there only be the presence of a disturbance and no moving away from it? I realise that without this sense of a separate (and separating)  inner entity –  there is no innate conflict towards whatever is present in the mind. What was once felt as “disturbing” is now a totality of disturbance occurring. A sensation with no boundaries, fully activated, freely revealing of its content?

Learning might be a process of energised revelation that is totally new from moment to moment: an innate movement of self discovery. This is surely very different from the learning that we, all of us, everywhere, have been schooled in. Very different from the spiritual ideas and truths we like to associate ourselves with. Traditional learning creates competition, authority, submission and never ending conflict; something this new learning might possibly even dispel?

To see whether any of this is true, I can only find out for myself.

“And this cannot be taught by another, it comes through your observation of yourself, watching all the time. You know, it’s great fun if you don’t condemn or justify but watch ‘what is’…. just watch it, in yourself and outside of yourself. Such a mind that watches it becomes extraordinarily sensitive, alive, because it is not breeding conflict.”

J. Krishnamurti